This couple were married for 67 years.
The husband was asked ; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce.
"Heavens no" he replied.
Murder yes, but never divorce.

There were these two women who were friends and neighbours.
One noticed that the other always seemed to have lots of new goodies; jewellery, furs, latest fashions, frequent hair salon trips & manicures, etc.
She asked:" how do you get all that great stuff?"
" I do it by charging my husband five dollars every time we have sex", she said;
"and you can do the same, it really adds up. But you must remain firm. Don't let him talk you into accepting less, don't let him coax you into doing it for no charge".
" Great", she said, "that sounds easy,  I'll do it".
So, the next time her hubby wanted to have sex, she said: "from now on, you have to give me five dollars each time we have sex" She also told him why.
"Oh, I see", he said; "okay". He then went to get the money, but realised that he had only £4.50  She refused to accept it: "If we have sex you must give me the full amount, five pounds".
He said: "Alright, so we can't have sex; but can I touch you for the £4.50? "We'll just make-out, okay?"
"Okay" she said.  As her hubby kissed her, fondled her body, rubbed against her, etc.
she got really hot and bothered.  Finally, she was so turned on, that she said to him:
"If it's all the same to you, I'll lend you fifty pence until tomorrow".

A man was speaking to God.
"God, why did you  make women so beautiful?" he asked.
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".
God said: "I did that to make them love you ! "

My friend married a doctor.
At a certain point he told her: "You need to do something to spice up our love-making".
Shortly thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D.
"Why?" asked her hubby.
"You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making;
I just wanted to get a Second Opinion", she told him.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12
times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at
their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to  be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that
at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform.  He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire
marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never
quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would
send  me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that
everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know
the  old saying-'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.'

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew
he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be
able  to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood
the basic process but needed three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew
how,  but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me
that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had
the product. he just wasn't sure how to position it.

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do
was  talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted
to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted
to  do was . . .-God I miss him!

So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that," asked the lawyer.

"Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  I just know
I'm going to get screwed this time!